My boys are grounded for a week.
They were easily influenced by some neighbor boys.
Rode their bikes out into the street - cuz everyone else was doing it.
We have a rule here.
"No riding your bikes in the street."
Unless we're all going on a bike ride together.
It's never been an issue before.
Before Tuesday, that is.
For years the rule has been enforced and obeyed.
A new kid appears and now the rule doesn't exist.
(I think their brains temporarily fall out of their bodies and all reason/decision/Mom's hollers go flopping onto the ground)
So while they're being grounded I've been pondering,
"the influence of others"
I'm not separate and apart from that.
I hate to admit.
I used to be "my own person", had "my own way of doing things".
Now well into my 40's I realize that was young stubbornness - a metamorphosis of who I was trying to become.
I haven't a clue.
I change minute to minute.
I like being a regular "my own thinking" kinda gal.
I like folks saying, "Oh that's Kolein...she likes to be different."
One day or daily or moment to moment I started following people.
You know what happened?
I actually got lost.
I followed people. And now I'm lost. My soul isn't lost. My self is.
Was I so busy being a mom, a wife, a friend - defining myself by others and my service that ME isn't in the equation any longer?
Is this right?
It doesn't feel right.
I feel lonely.
Where am I?
We were invited last night to go to our friends' house (out in the country) to eat, play music, sing. It was glorious.
A perfect night of friendship and fun. Our two boys played with their four girls and one son on their sweet mini farm. That's right! Rabbits, chickens, roosters, electrical fences, barns, farm house, a well, bathtub fire pit, roll up your overalls, watch where you step FARM.
I romanticize parts of people's lives. It keeps me happy.
I don't want to live on a farm. Not that there is one single thing wrong with living on a farm. No not one thing.
It's just not me.
I don't wear overalls for one thing.
My boys want a farm now.
That's right! Rabbits, chickens, roosters, electrical fences, barns, farm house, a well, bathtub fire pit, roll up your overalls, watch where you step FARM!
When does it matter what I want?
I'm not crying or kicking or slamming any cupboards girls. Trust me.
Just wondering. In all of this running around and being influenced by everyone and losing my way, I cannot remember who I am.
I start to think I am one person and then I read something or hear something and I think I'm different. Then I realize, "wait, that's not me." And then go back and try to remember who I am.
Can we forget who we are?
Is it bad?
Can it be changed or calmly altered enough to express ourselves?
And another thing, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Has any of this happened to you?