My boys are grounded for a week.
They were easily influenced by some neighbor boys.
Rode their bikes out into the street - cuz everyone else was doing it.
We have a rule here.
"No riding your bikes in the street."
Unless we're all going on a bike ride together.
It's never been an issue before.
Before Tuesday, that is.
For years the rule has been enforced and obeyed.
A new kid appears and now the rule doesn't exist.
(I think their brains temporarily fall out of their bodies and all reason/decision/Mom's hollers go flopping onto the ground)
So while they're being grounded I've been pondering,
"the influence of others"
I'm not separate and apart from that.
I hate to admit.
I used to be "my own person", had "my own way of doing things".
Now well into my 40's I realize that was young stubbornness - a metamorphosis of who I was trying to become.
Now.
I haven't a clue.
I change minute to minute.
It's weird.
I like being a regular "my own thinking" kinda gal.
I like folks saying, "Oh that's Kolein...she likes to be different."
Then.
One day or daily or moment to moment I started following people.
You know what happened?
I actually got lost.
I followed people. And now I'm lost. My soul isn't lost. My self is.
Was I so busy being a mom, a wife, a friend - defining myself by others and my service that ME isn't in the equation any longer?
Is this right?
It doesn't feel right.
I feel lonely.
Where am I?
We were invited last night to go to our friends' house (out in the country) to eat, play music, sing. It was glorious.
A perfect night of friendship and fun. Our two boys played with their four girls and one son on their sweet mini farm. That's right! Rabbits, chickens, roosters, electrical fences, barns, farm house, a well, bathtub fire pit, roll up your overalls, watch where you step FARM.
I romanticize parts of people's lives. It keeps me happy.
I don't want to live on a farm. Not that there is one single thing wrong with living on a farm. No not one thing.
It's just not me.
I don't wear overalls for one thing.
My boys want a farm now.
That's right! Rabbits, chickens, roosters, electrical fences, barns, farm house, a well, bathtub fire pit, roll up your overalls, watch where you step FARM!
When does it matter what I want?
I'm not crying or kicking or slamming any cupboards girls. Trust me.
Just wondering. In all of this running around and being influenced by everyone and losing my way, I cannot remember who I am.
I start to think I am one person and then I read something or hear something and I think I'm different. Then I realize, "wait, that's not me." And then go back and try to remember who I am.
Can we forget who we are?
Is it bad?
Wrong?
Can it be changed or calmly altered enough to express ourselves?
And another thing, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Has any of this happened to you?
Thinkin' Thursday.
I must be an early bloomer I had some of these issues in my late 30's. Everyone else's needs superseded mine and I got used to it. Sometimes that is what needs to happen and is part of being a mother, a spouse or a working woman. But somewhere along the line everyone just expected my needs to be last, including me. If you don't want to live on a farm don't. Kids wants change with seasons and it is okay to say that their dreams are not your dreams. You can encourage their dreams without living them. When my daughter was 14 we were adding another dog to our family and daughter said she wanted a "big white fluffy dog". I wanted a not so big or so fluffy dog but gave in. She has of course moved out and I still have the big white fluffy dog. Don't get me wrong I love Tasha, the dog not the daughter, but she was not my dream yet I am living with her. That is when I started set my limits and helping my kids dream about their dreams just not making them come true unless it was my dream too. Same goes for the husband. Compromise no longer mean he gets what he wants because it is easier. As women I think we feel it is our job to make other happy and it feels selfish to make ourselves happy. I am happier now that my needs get to come first sometimes. Let me know if any of this helps you understand your feelings.
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya! Trying to figure out how to merge all of the "me's" into just one ME.
ReplyDeleteAs mothers of younger children, we haven't yet arrived to a place where we can reclaim who we use to be. Yet.
ReplyDeleteI believe there's a season for everything. And you will know when it's time to investigate YOU and put it back into action.
The first step is feeling exactly how you're feeling. Mine hit when my son was 6. I moved to a neighborhood that actually had kids for my son to play with. When he was out playing, I didn't know what to do with myself. And then I slowly loosened the reins and started on me again.
I still struggle with balancing it all. Every single day. But you slowly make your path all the while allowing for things to halt so everyone else's needs are also attended to.
Welcome to the NEW you, chapter one. :)
Donna
Ok Kolein-- did you sneek into my 'drafted'-UnPosted stuff...?
ReplyDeleteI think I could have written this article.
In fact my whole blog is about me trying to be me...WHOM EVER THAT IS! I don't know anymore, I tell ya!
I post some of the craziest stuff over there on my 'spot'--- most of it me trying to figure out, who I am, really!
I was lying in bed last night telling Honey... I think I'm a 'hoarder'-- I used to keep such a meticulous home, and now...since the kids have grown, Honey is retired, and the Grands are bounding about the place... I find I have no place to call my own, no time for me ...STILL!
I wake up and say to myself "What in the world happened?" I'm like the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland... when he asks her, 'WHOOOO Aaahre Youuuuu?'
I don't know I tell ya!
I understand what you are saying, my friend. I believe I have been going through a time of discovery for the last year or so. I believe God is showing me who I really am and who I am not. I think I was "pretending" for a lot of years to be someone I wasn't so I could fit into a certain group or mold. I feel that God has been removing layers and that I am finally getting to the root of who I am. We are certainly all a work in progress and always will be until heaven comes. You be true to who you are in Christ. Have Him show you who you are to be and what you are to do. One thing for sure is that you are a princess because your Father is the King of Kings. You are also an amazing lady. Never foget that...
ReplyDeleteHow right you are. I think there are many of use bloggers whom feel the same way. There is so much more available at our finger tips. I hope you discover who you are or who you want to become, because there is nothing wrong with tweeking the new you, as long as you are happy!
ReplyDeleteGreat post Kolein. I wish I had paid more attention to who I was when my children were younger. I am sure it's why I ended up divorcing my 1st husband. I had no idea who I was, the person in the mirror was just a stranger. I had no opinions of my own and did what everyone expected me to, I was empty inside. It had just gone too far without me even realizing it.
ReplyDeleteThis time around I am much happier, because I refuse to be what I'm not. And lo and behold, I like me just fine now, remarried to a man who loves and knows ME, the real me. Funny how that works, but I've never been happier, just being me.
I like the fact that, like Cinderella sang, "in my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be." Today it is different than it was ten years ago or five years ago or even last year, and it will be different again next year as well. When you live life creatively and with enthusiasm, lots of things interest you. One day it may be imagining life on a farm and one day it may be imagining life on a houseboat.
ReplyDeleteI don't ever want to have it all figured out. That sounds so boring. I do, however, hate the unsettled feeling when I know that God is about to stir things up for me, but I don't quite know what it is going to look like.
You make me think. And I think that's a good thing. :)
Are you lost or just evolving again? I move between facets of my personality and I hope I am always evolving into a better person. Sometimes I am tempted or distracted in the wrong direction but I hope I always veer back on track. I want to be creative and different but not soooo different. I am a conservative but I don't ever want to forget to be compassionate. I like a lot of different things and different kinds of people.I hope that doesn't make me flaky. Sometimes I have to dial back certain sides of me when I am with those different kinds of people. I am a combination, and yes a compromise of many people. It makes me who I am and it makes you who you are and you are very special and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteP
So...I'm pretty pleased that I stopped by for this. The pictures alone were worth it! ;) I love your attitude, lady. And what's a bathtub fire pit???
ReplyDelete